Dave Barry on Language
From his column collection entitled Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus

• Sometimes I add some seasoning to the sauce, to give it a dash of what the Italians call "joie de vivre" (literally, "ingredients").

• Take, for example, the following actual unretouched lyrics, written by Lorenzo da Ponte for the Mozart opera Cosi Fan Tutte (literally, Annie Get Your Gun):

Che sembianze!
Che vestiti!
Che figure!
Che mustacchi!

After carefully analyzing these lyrics, the objective critic is forced to arrive at one incontrovertible conclusion: They are written in a completely foreign language, probably Spanish. You have to ask yourself how in the world these opera people expected to reach a modern audience if they didn't even have the common courtesy to write in English. Compare the seemingly deliberate impenetrability of their lyrics with the inviting clarity of the 1964 song "Mammer Jammer," in which Don and Dewey, exploring the complex depths of human relationships, state:

You got to do the Mammer Jammer
If you want my love.

• although I am by no means an opera aficionado (literally, "guy"), ...

• a tiny creature called Symbion pandora (literally, "a couple of Greek words.")

• On the morning of July 3, 1994, seven-year-old Jason Toastwanker fell off his tricycle, hit his head, and was knocked out. When he regained consciousness, he spoke to his parents in fluent German. This did not surprise them, because they were Germans and this happened in Germany. What surprised them was that, before the accident, he had cleaned up his room without being asked.

• a researcher in New Zealand has discovered a new, improved method for growing tomatoes hydroponically ("Hydroponically" comes from the Greek words "hydro," meaning "a," and "ponically," meaning "way of growing tomatoes").

• Dave Barry's "Ask Mister Language Person"

• posted here:
Q. Please explain how to diagram a sentence.
A. First spread the sentence out on a clean, flat surface, such as an ironing board. Then, using a sharp pencil or X-Acto knife, locate the "predicate," which indicates where the action has taken place and is usually located directly behind the gills. For example, in the sentence: "LaMont never would of bit a forest ranger," the action probably took place in a forest. Thus your diagram would be shaped like a little tree with branches sticking out of it to indicate the locations of the various particles of speech, such as your gerunds, proverbs, adjutants, etc. [Dave Barry, a.k.a Mr. Language Person]

Q. When should I say "phenomena," and when should I say "phenomenon?"
A. "Phenomena" is what grammarians refer to as a "subcutaneous invective," which is a word used to describe skin disorders, as in "Bob has a weird phenomena on his neck shaped like Ted Koppel." Whereas "phenomenon" is used to describe a backup singer in the 1957 musical group "Duane Furlong and the Phenomenons."

Q. Please tell me which is correct: ``Bud, you should never of fed them taffies to the dog,'' or ``Bud, you never should of fed them taffies to the dog.''
A. According to Strunk & White, it depends on the context.
Q. The context was a brand-new Barcalounger.
A. Whoa.

Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase ``all things being equal.''
A. It is used to make sentences longer.
WRONG: ``Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.''
RIGHT: ``All things being equal, Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.''

Q. Please explain the expression: ``This does not bode well.''
A. It means that something is not boding the way it should. It could be boding better.

• posted here:
We begin today with a disturbing escalation in the trend of coffee retailers giving stupid names to cup sizes. As you know, this trend began several years ago when Starbucks (motto: ''There's one opening right now in your basement'') decided to call its cup sizes ''Tall'' (meaning ''not tall,'' or ''small''), ''Grande'' (meaning ''medium'') and ''Venti'' (meaning, for all we know, ''weasel snot''). Unfortunately, we consumers, like moron sheep, started actually USING these names. Why? If Starbucks decided to call its toilets ''AquaSwooshies,'' would we go along with THAT? Yes! Baaa!

MY QUOTA OF TRUE QUOTATIONS
August 5, 2004, Page 2E, Miami Herald, The
This column was originally published on Dec. 13, 1992.It's time once again for ``Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only language column that is endorsed by both the American Association of English Professors AND Cher. This column presents answers to common reader questions about grammar, vocabulary, punctualization, and, when they are in season, metaphors.

PUNCTUATION 'R EASY - JUST MARK THE SPOT
July 8, 2004
This column was originally published on Sept. 29, 1991. It's time for another edition of ``Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column that answers your questions about grammar, vocabulary and those little whaddyacallem marks.

• Dave Barry, linguist--a tribute at Language Log
• Eleven "Mister Language Person" columns posted by the U of Otago
• More Dave Barry columns here and here.